Help from an unlikely source

Self help books Yeuch. Never gone a bundle on them. Always thought they were a bit new agey. (Now, when I say new age, I don't mean the proper cognitive behavioural therapy-based practical stuff; I don't refer to the NHS-advocated mood gym programme. No, I mean the airy fairy love yourself, meet your personal angel and channel your energies thing. Yep, it's prejudice, I suppose. Like nails down a blackboard.) I've noticed, also, that a number of the global proponents have preternaturally white teeth, too. In a mahogany tan. It's superficial and I'm not proud of it, but this also bothers me. Back to the books.

Here's the thing.   I picked up a little book. I was reading all about today being good enough and burning the scented candles and wearing the best lingerie and not saving things for a day which might never come because tomorrow you may be struck down by a number 9 bus (it didn't actually say that; I'm embroidering) and thinking that this whole thing was sappy,  but it was sort of growing on me. Giving me pause. The book in question suggested making a list of 20 times when you felt really happy and then 20 things you would like to do. Not, it counselled you, a list of things you thought you ought to put down (like your wedding day, say), but times you simply loved and would write down now as if no-one were looking or judging. So I had a go. It wasn't the list I thought it would be, quite. And it wasn't in order. At first that made me feel guilty but I went with the flow. Ha! Were my chakras open? See how bigoted I am!

1. Warm rock pools on Pembrokeshire beaches

2. Hens 

3. Cats

4. At night, alone, in hospital the night my youngest son was born

5. Other son as a baby lying on my lap and doing huge grins at me

6.Having a bead and craft box (not an armoire - like Martha Stewart advocates: see it's all coming out now...) and choosing beads to go in my haul

7. Husband rocking me in hammock on roof just after we first met

8. Collecting bilberries on heathland

9. Walking on coast paths

10. Collecting shells and finding treasures

11. Painting in oils and acrylics

12. Travels with husband

13.My auntie Betty stroking my hair

14. Riding a horse

15. The intimacy of a good friendship

16. Christmas: but not 1988, 1989, 1990-1998 and not 2008 (don't laugh: I had to think about this one). I'll also say the season of Advent and a darkened church here

17. Our boys saying and doing funny things

18. Walks in the rain: British and tropical

19. British country churchyards

20. Cooking - but at leisure, not necessarily the shape of everyday things

These were the first twenty things that came to mind. I realise, looking at it, that there are some seminal people and places which SHOULD be on there, but aren't. Where is the Taj Mahal at dawn? Where is an azure sea round a remote tropical island? There are obvious more glaring omissions, you might say. I'll leave that for you to attempt some pyschoanalysis on, maybe. I noticed that the hammock rocking thing was there, but not the wedding day. Hmmmm.

Then I did the next bit. 20 things I would like to do.

1. Have another baby. I admit to it. Preferably a big fat chubba wubba.

2. Get some chickens

3. Go for more long walks

4. Paint more

5. Watch films in bed

6. Spend more time with my wider family

7,. Do yoga and pilates regularly

8. Get more and better sleep

9. Maybe have a small rose tattooed on my ankle

10. Own a camper van

11. Stop worrying so much

12. Go out more with husband.

13 Learn to make clothes

14. Learn to make soap (well, I'm thinking presents and I LOVE making presents)

15. Have massages

16. Go to the sea more

17. Take a sabbatical with my family

18. Fix all the problems for my friends and everyone else

19. Leave the past where it is: in another country

20. Read more

Now, reader: I am ashamed. I scoffed at all this stuff, but damn me, it works. It made me feel good just writing it all down and, also, forced me to notice that many of the things, in both lists, that is, were to be found under my nose and not in a corner of the globe miles away or to be achieved with all my usual heart searching and hand wringing and exponential levels of frankly unnecessary effort. Clever book. Silly me.

Well now. At the end of August three chickens are coming to live with us. Notice that hens feature as number two on both lists. I have always loved them and they are associated with happy childhood stuff. They are ex battery hens who will need careful nurturing. I am making an ark and a run for them and I think they will be called Claudia (mother in law), Monica (mother) and Patricia (aunt) although, if their characters remind us of anyone, their names are subject to change.My youngest son favours Stacey, for some reason. The idea of a hen called Stacey is really rather good. The rest of the list, well I'm working on that. Some of the things will conflict; the odd one is not happening. Probably. I may want to change some of the items on the lists.  I do, however, stand corrected.

N.B. when you read these stories, do bear in mind that they are not necessarily about me - although a good number of them will be within my sphere of experience!

Photo by Casey Serin and Wrestlingentropy at www.flickr.com Thank you.And to Teena and Louise and a heap of good sense. Thank you thank you.xxxx